Intro

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities"

A single molecule changed how I see the universe. Twenty-four more taught me that consciousness is both more fragile, and more resilient, than I ever imagined.

After a decade of exploring consciousness through chemistry, I've learned that psychedelics are neither the panacea their advocates claim nor the menace their critics fear. They’re powerful, unpredictable tools demanding respect, careful preparation, and honest acknowledgment of their risks.

Discussions around psychedelics often emphasize their remarkable potential. But to have a genuinely meaningful dialogue, we must also face their darker side.

Following a recent HN discussion about Bill Atkinson's psychedelic user interface, I wanted to share some thoughts from my own extensive experience with psychedelics.

I have experienced profound healing through psychedelics, but I have also endured severe trauma, the scars of which have taken years to heal. Both extremes taught me valuable lessons (though I wouldn't wish the latter on anyone).

This isn't advocacy or condemnation -- it's a nuanced reflection from someone who’s lived deeply on both sides of the coin.

Transformation and Insight

Psychedelics and empathogens have had a profound, outsized effect on my life and world views.

Early darknet markets provided me access to a variety of research chemicals, facilitating a systematic exploration of consciousness over the next decade.

My childhood was marred by trauma. At age 18, I found community and healing during profound MDMA experiences, finally releasing years of anger and resentment. It was the first time I genuinely felt unconditional love and acceptance.

Additionally, my first experience with 100ug LSD gifted me the ability to sense the connection, constantly flowing, between every living thing in the universe. Suddenly, the "Butterfly Effect" became physically tangible.

It may sound trite, but it was at this moment the absurdity of racism and xenophobia became glaringly clear. It was the most raw and primal experience of the feeling: "We're all stuck on this rock together." The realization that to treat another poorly, in the macroscopic view of things, was to treat oneself poorly.

These experiences also influenced my spiritual beliefs. Despite being an athiest, my experiences with high-dose psychedelics gave me two convictions, both of which I recognize as pseudoscience and unsubstantiated:

1. We are the universe experiencing itself.
2. The universe operates cyclically. There was not a Big Bang, but a Big Bounce.

In my most profound psychedelic experience, during complete ego dissolution, I experienced the birth and death of the universe. My final vision: the Ouroboros, the snake eating it's tail:

The Dark Side

Not every psychedelic experience has been positive.

Careless and reckless usage eventually led me to psychosis, hospitalization, and enduring PTSD accompanied by severe anxiety. Looking back, I was asking for it, and I was likely long overdue.

Despite repeated attempts, subsequent psychedelic experiences only retriggered trauma, perpetually looping me back to my original nightmare. I've written about this experience briefly before, though a full account could fill an entire book.

Ten years later, extensive therapy and personal work have turned debilitating PTSD into a manageable condition, and something that now flares only rarely, under extreme stress.

Concluding Thoughts

Ten years later, I remain convinced that these substances have immense therapeutic potential -- but only when approached with the respect, preparation, and support they demand.

The question isn't whether these substances are inherently good or bad. It’s about how we can thoughtfully navigate their risks and benefits to minimize harm and maximize healing.

We must abandon hype-driven narratives. Psychedelics offer perhaps the most profound and intense experiences human consciousness can endure. They deserve our respect and cautious curiosity.

Appendix: List of Compounds Explored

A reference list of the substances I have direct experience with, grouped by chemical class.

• Tryptamines: DMT, Psilocybin, 4-AcO-DMT, 5-MeO-DMT, 5-MeO-MiPT, 4-HO-MeT
• Phenethylamines: 2C-B, 2C-I, 25i-NBOMe, 25b-NBOMe, 25c-NBOMe, 25d-NBOMe, DOB, MDA, MDMA
• Benzofurans: 5-APB, 6-APB, 5-MAPB, 6-MAPB
• Lysergamides: LSD, 1P-LSD
• Dissociatives: Ketamine, Methoxetamine, Deschloroketamine, Methoxphenidine